I’d really appreciate your support on my health journey!

ichbincatrebecca.blogspot.co.uk

Recovering from an eating disorder is hard. I said it when I was at my thinnest and I’ll say it now - I don’t think it ever leaves you.

I think you learn to deal with it and change with it, for better and for worse, but I’m not sure it’s ever gone. I realise that sounds angsty and depressing…

It’s been nearly six years since I became really ‘interested’ in my weight and weight loss. It quickly became an obsession and it still is.

Looking through old picture I can see how tiny I was - my legs looked like twigs, honestly they looked like they could snap. I didn’t see it then at all. I felt, with every inch of my being, that I was huge. I would cry and I would scream and I would throw tantrums because I hated the way I looked so much. 

I’d grabby my ‘fatty’ bits and wish I could cut them off.

I knew I was thin, I just didn’t feel it.

Being bigger is hard. I’ve put on a lot of weight and struggled to manage it. y eating disorder didn’t stop at anorexia, bulimia has probably been the majority of my struggle. I still weigh myself every day but I’ve felt fine-ish. 

I do obsess still. I calorie count daily, not restricting, I just count and count. And it makes me sad. I binge, I exercise to compensate. I still feel fat but I can no longer work out if I am or not… I’ve honestly no idea.

I’m working every day to be healthier. Exercise is becoming a big part of my life because I enjoy it, not to burn calories. I just need to get a hold on my eating, and by that I mean just let go. I think a lot of that will come with time. I want to not care any more. I don’t want to binge or calorie count or weigh myself. 

I’m twenty one years old - I’m an adult, but this constant nagging in my mind makes me feel so young. I don’t feel grown up, I feel vulnerable. And very lonely.

Every day makes a difference and every day is the chance to change for the positive.